Sunday, February 27, 2005

She walked into my office, like a centipede with 98 missing legs

Here I am, sitting at my computer, eating semi-sweet chocolate chips, pondering my life. I just finished reading all of Toni's blogs. I felt like I was catching up with her. It's amazing how well she expresses her feelings and thoughts in a poetic, story-telling-like way. she'd be a very good Yoga teacher I think. she definately could calm me down.
Today I thought I'd fast to clear out my mind and body. Ha! I lasted about 2:00pm and then had a burrito. It never ceases to amaze me what lack of willpower I have. Willpower? What's that? I did't mention in my previous post about how mad I was. My dad wouldn't let me drive to Orem to see Joe's and Michelle's concert. I mean, it wasn't just the concert, but to see two of my close friends after not seeing them forever. And after reading Michelle's blog, I felt bad I wasn't there because of how nervous she was.
I just want to move out and go to school. I know the FAFSA would probably get me there, but my dad won't even help me fill it out with all the tax and income info. Everyday when he gets home he gruels me about not having a job, not going to school, not auditioning for more scholarships, wasting my time sitting at home, and a million other things. My mom just says go to institute and always be busy and she's fine. Life is sooooooo frustrating!!!!! I wish I could meet someone, fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after. That's one of the reasons I've been trying to lose weight lately. I took a good look at myself in the mirror, and thought, Who would want this? Everyone says it's on the inside that counts. yaaaaaaa riiiiiiight. I don't even care if I'm single the rest of my life, I would rather be happy with who I am, inside AND out. I know I can look great too. I'm freakin' 5'11''! some girls would kill to be that tall. It's the average height of most world renowned supermodels. My face is decent looking, makeup helps, and I know how to make my hair look great. I guess I have good sense of fashion too. It's just the 2 inch layer of chubb covering my body that's the problem. It all goes back to the stupid willpower thing again. I can't stick to staying active, food tastes too good, and the thoughts of past failures aren't exactly encouraging.
Today I carried a 40lb. bag of cat litter up two flights of stairs. It was flippin' heavy! I can't believe that I have more than that not needed weight on my body, that I carry around everyday. Why couldn't I be born with a fast motabolism? curse you genetics.
Do you ever listen to music that you've heard a million times, and this certain time, the words apply to you, and you feel like bawling your eyes out? Josh Groban's song "Let Me Fall" just hits the spot right now.
Maybe if I had a major get-together with a lot of my friends who I hadn't seen for a while(reunion) I could have that as my motivation to surprise them all. I already know a ton of my friends have changed a lot already. I haven't seen some of my closest friends since graduation. I know Angela is getting married in like two weeks, and I haven't even recieved an invitation. I was pretty much best friends with her since Jr. High. I only see Jocelyn at institute, and it's like we don't even know eachother. We were inseperable Jr. and Sr. year. Her and Kristi did a million things together since graduation, and didn't call me once. Michelle, Tony, and Bec are pretty much the only ones who keep in touch, and seem like they don't want to lose touch. I feel like crying and punching someone at the same time. It seems since I was near then, they figured to just use me and then drop me when it was convenient.
I need to stop talking about that. It makes me too depressed and sad. I think I'll go to bed soon, and wake up early and exercise. I'm too sad to write anymore tonight. Goodnight anyone who cares.


  1. I'm sorry. I know exactly how you feel. I was there once. I missed you this weekend. I was home, but I couldn't take the car anywhere. My new address is 3650 S, 5600 W. If you can find it, come to my house next weekend, if you can, and we'll catch up. I had to leave my viola in the shop for a week, so I'll definately be back. Scholarship auditions are this week on the third and fourth, or was it the fourth and fifth...I'll find out and call you tonight.
    MISS YOU!!!!!!!!!

  2. Hey Bec. Thanks for the sweet compliment. I know how you feel. I know, I'm here with Shell and Joe, so you're like... yeah right. But seriously, I miss so many of my old friends. I miss you, even though we didn't do much together, I always considered you a good friend. I think we should all do something together! Something horridly dorky and pathetic but loads of fun. Oh, and I totally sympathize with the lack of will-power. I see so many hot guys, but know that they aren't looking at me at all, unless to go "hey look at the fat chick!" I just don't want to get so sick that I have Diabetes and high blood pressure and am on like 50 pills to get better. So I have decided to do something about it. You wanna do it together? Sort of a support thing? Let me know. I love ya bec, hang on!