Friday, February 18, 2005

If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.

Just wondering, who is Toners? someone left a comment, and I was wondering if I knew them. And I couldn't view their blog. Anywho, Yeeehaw! today is friday! the night where my parents go on a date and leave the house to my sister and I to partay! Actually, all we do is watch TV and eat ice cream. This is a story I read from a blog about a first time dad. It made me crack up, so you should read it. The title is Adventures in Babysitting

"This title is a misnomer. You really can't babysit your own child.It's fascinating to see my newborn learn about her world. Right now, she may not understand the concepts of "Mommy" and "Daddy, " but here's what I think she's learned:My wife is the Lifegiver, the Provider of Sustenance, and the Gatekeeper of the World that Was Before and this New World. The Lifegiver is always there and is warm, safe, and steady.I don't think she knows what to make of me.So far, I am the Useless One. The Useless One appears significantly less than the Lifegiver. He may, in fact, live in another place entirely, because he never seems to be around in the middle of the night. The Useless One is nervous and anxious most of the time.Anyway, my wife hadn't been away from the baby since I brought her home from the hospital and was starting to get that wild-eyed look like Jack Nicholson had in the third act of "The Shining." On Saturday, I suggested that she get out of the house alone for a few hours. I would watch the baby and get some bonding time.At first, everything was fine. She slept for the first couple of hours and I watched football.Then I heard her cry and immediately ran to her room.I checked her diaper. This was my first experience with a "poopy diaper," but it seemed manageable. I loosened her diaper, got another one ready, along with wipes. Once I removed the diaper,though, all Hell broke loose.I guess when the dirty diaper came off, she felt so relaxed that she continued to go. And go. And go. She must have eliminated about 60% of her body weight in waste. It got all over everything.I started to panic. The baby wipes weren't much help and the changing paid was now slick with poop. I reached out for anything absorbent- her sleeper, a burping cloth, a hand towel, anything.My dog got nervous and left the room.My daughter became frustrated and started to wail. I've read that parents learn to distinguish what is wrong with their baby by his or her particular cry. Well, she turned bright red, shook her tiny clenched fists by her head and let out a cry that I interpreted this way:"What is wrong with you? Do you even know what you're doing? Where is the Lifegiver? I can't believe you're my Dad! You don't know how to do anything! When I get older, I'm going to date professional athletes!"Meanwhile, she's rolling around in her own filth. I just know that my wife is going to return at any time and I will never be trusted to watch my child alone again.Eventually, I calmed myself and got everything under control. I bathed her, changed her clothes, and gathered the soiled laundry in a heap.I heard keys in the door downstairs. My dog ran to my wife to tell on me.By then, at least a semblance of order had been restored. The time away had clearly done my wife good. She picked up the baby and kissed her, happy to see that she was still safe and sound.I managed to distract her from noticing the small amount of poop that was the baby's right ear.I told my wife that everything went well, but that she really shouldn't go up to the nursery. Of course, that only made her curious, so up she went.To her credit, she didn't freak out or anything. She just calmly asked from the top of the stairway, "What happened to the curtains?"

I couldn't stop laughing from that one. I didn't have much to say today, so that's why I posted that story. I might write later tonight, but for now I will say goodbye.


  1. Toners is Toni.

  2. and my blog is Complicatedserenity. Sorry, thought you'd recognize me... :-D